May 25, 2009

An interesting choice...

Greetings and Salutations,

This blog is the story about my family and the life we are leading. I've entitled the blog a few short years because every time I stop to reflect I notice how many years slip through my grasp. It seems only yesterday I was a small child playing on a swing set, a preteen walking into my first day at the big scary public junior high, or crossing the stage as I received my high school diploma. Now I sit before the world married with two children facing obstacles I would have never imagined.

This summer I am going back to work after taking the past year or so away to be with my children. It's hard to imagine the depth of my fear as I prepare not only for something entirely new but for leaving my small children even if it is for but a few short hours. I've been with them day and night every day minus a few hours here and there for the past couple of years. The apprehension is unsettling. But I know they will be fine.

A bigger part of my life is my walk with God. Our family, especially myself it seems, has struggled with finding a church to call home. Not only that but there is a certain fear I find myself dealing with. I'm not sure if anyone else has experienced this fear but it's prominent in my mind. I know God has called me into ministry. You see God has clearly called me somewhere unexpected. Do I want to be there? I'm terrified to be quite honest. I went there for two weeks just this past spring and I've never felt like I belonged somewhere more than there. At the same time God really allowed me to experience the frailty of ministry, relationships, and peace. I'm terrified of destroying that which has been placed.

I have this tendency to run away. Fear is my biggest enemy and Satan is all too aware of that. So what does he attack me with, fear. The other thing Satan attacks me with is the horrible feeling of inadequacy. What do I mean by inadequacy? The skills, gifts, and traits God has so wisely placed into my person seem nothing to me. It's hard to accept Christ has called me into his service. I mean what do I have to offer. I so often feel like a failure. I never would have anticipated being 25 years old, two children, no college degree and yet here I stand. Everything I have tried seems to drop me flat on my face. Is that because I'm not following Christ as I should? Most likely.

So here I stand at a junction in the life of my family. God is calling me, clearly calling me in one direction. I fear that place, my husband and I want to go somewhere, and we can't stay here. Which direction do I step out in? Do I clearly disobey the call of God? Or do I take that step of faith and move in the direction Christ is calling me? I guess we just have to wait and see.
We have only a few short months to decide. July 31st we are moving... just not sure where to.

Sincerely,

M

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